Not Good Enough

I have always felt not good enough

Whatever I did was not good enough

If I had a hobby, I would put myself down, say to myself – there are people better than you

I would belittle whatever I did

I loved playing the piano, but suddenly fear crept in

Fear that I would not hit the right notes, enjoyment turned to regret

Fear ruined everything

I used to love sketching cars, it calmed me

I put myself down by judging my drawings, not good enough

I liked to write, write articles for the school magazine

My teacher loved it, but there were people who judged my English, kept making fun of me, and I started judging myself – not good enough

I wanted to get in the IT field, but beat myself up about it, I’m not good enough for this field

Not good enough defined me

Gradually writing came back to me, simple writing, no fuss about the technicality behind the English language, just thoughts to words

And I started liking it again. This time around it is only for me, not what other people think, just me

I started writing another story, and this time I really like the story because I’m writing it for me

I’ve started to praise myself, give myself credit. I’m trying to stop being my own worst critic, because I ruined me

You see a lot of I’s and mes, it’s ok, sometimes, scratch that, it is always ok to love yourself. I am trying to practise self-love. (But praising yourself and putting down others does not fall into this context – it is not endorsed here)

I’ve taken a tiny step towards doing something I want to do for the rest of my life – writing. The global situation looks grim, so why not spend some part of the time you have left, doing something that truly makes you happy?

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