One Of Those Days

I was exhausted, emotionally. My dog Benjamin (Beagle) was not doing too good. He was diagnosed with Idiopathic Epilepsy. The initial days were hell, seeing him have a seizure. He is completely fine after it. But I think I aged years. With the number of times I’ve felt like I’ve had mini heart attacks, I feel like I’ve lost years.

Benjamin is completely chill. Once he comes out of it he is a little dazed and then he goes back to being himself just like nothing happened. And I have learnt to get a hold of myself. But there are days when I lose it. Honestly with all the hurt caused by family and now my puppy I have no fight left in me.

My focus is only on Benjamin, everything else seems distant. Minseok got a handle on it much earlier than me. Initially, both of us used to be a mess after Benjamin’s episodes. But now Minseok hasn’t had a meltdown yet.

Our Whiskey (Doberman) keeps Benjamin company when he has an episode. He always stays by his side while I make sure to keep a cloth under his head and pull him away from the furniture. But yes, the four of us will live and be happy.

It was a late Saturday evening when there was another episode. Min had stepped out to pick up our Chinese takeout. By the time he came back, Benjamin was completely fine and snoozing but I was not. I was laying on the sofa staring up at the ceiling, wanting to just sleep.

“Kenzie, ‘it’ happened?”, he asked as he entered the house and walked to the kitchen. He took a seat on the edge of the couch where I was lying down.

“I can’t take it”, I said as tears rolled down my cheeks.

He lay down next to me on his side so that we were sleeping facing each other.

“We are fine”, he said as he wiped away my tears with his thumb.

“I don’t feel like living”

“Then what about me?”, he asked and kissed me lightly.

“You can move one, you’ll get a supermodel”

“But I already have one”

“I’m no model”

“You’re perfect”

“No I’m…”

“Ssshhh, you are healthy and you’ve even lost weight, you’ve reached your ideal weight”

“But still, I want to be thinner”

“Shut up”, he said and placed his palm on my cheek.

I just rolled my eyes.

“Mackenzie, please don’t give up, I need you, we all do”

“I’m tired, I want to unplug”

“Stop thinking, stop worrying, I’m there too, I will handle Benjamin too, don’t take the entire load on your heart”

“Saranghae”, I said and kissed him on his lips.

“Can we sleep here for a bit before having dinner?”, I asked

“Yup”, he said and hugged me close while I closed my eyes.