Longing For Happiness

I want to be happy. I don’t want to be dragged down by the hurt caused by family. I want to look ahead but I keep longing for the family to tell me they made a mistake. I keep waiting for them to tell us they will never do that again.

I keep waiting for them to say that they did not know what they were thinking and regret what they did to us. But I have to let this dream go. The tough part for me is that the person who caused this switches up personalities behind closed doors and outside.

But no one wants to believe it. I take solace in knowing that God and Papa know the truth. So this gives me strength to move on. I don’t know if I will ever overcome this hurt. The person who we live with cannot be trusted.

I don’t feel at peace within the four walls at home. And the person has no intention of giving up the evil ways. With all my heart I promise you, we did nothing wrong. This person made up everything because this person has an undiagnosed bipolar disorder.

I have witnessed everything. I wasn’t brainwashed, I’m the only one who has seen it all. So my heart and conscience are clear because I know the truth. The truth will never change. But knowing the truth and then being tormented by family members based on the lies spread, I don’t know how to overcome it.

If this person is stabbing me then how can I expect the world to ever treat me right. This one person should be the shield but the person is the one shooting the arrows, grenades, bullets, you name it. I don’t have any earthly shield. My only shield is God and come to think of it, it is the most powerful shield a human can have.

I’m giving up on receiving closure from these chapters in my life. I can’t live with this pain anymore. I thought I had overcome it but I had just locked away the pain. But the time has come for me to throw it away.

I have three Birdies, Lizzy and a Phoenix on earth who I can trust with every cell of my being. I’m looking ahead now. I’m going to live my life and make something of myself. I’m going to build my life now.

I can’t get back the years I lost thanks to what happened. Those were the crucial years for me but it is what it is. This hurt me too. Again, putting this pain in the box that will be thrown away. But I will be happy. I will make myself happy. Pain and anger will not consume me anymore.

I am going to reprogram my brain, mind, heart and soul to look ahead and just be happy. I’m not going to give up on myself. I am going to trust God and bring back hope in my life.