Heart

I knew there would come a day when I would be writing this, but I never would have thought it would be so soon. I thought we had time. I believed that I had another 5+ years left. I trusted God.

My puppy Benjamin has levelled up. God took him from me so abruptly. I know God could have changed this entire narrative. I know he has the power to but he took him away. God Our Father, you broke my heart.

I miss Benji with every fibre of by being, every fibre of my soul, my spirit. I did not get enough time to explain to him how to go on without me. But I told him what I could and I know he listened. He is a part of me, we are that connected. There were times where I would call home when I had a feeling he was not feeling well.

But it did not work this time. How I wish I knew what he was feeling. I would give anything to make him be here in earthly form. I cannot live without him. And I know he is with me still and is at peace. I have this unfathomable gut feeling that he is free and without pain and here and there.

Benji is my heart, my life. God took away my life. There is no exaggeration, it is the truth. Benji is my heart and God took it. After all that life threw at me, there were days I got off the bed only because Benji needed me, needed me to take care of him.

Benji is my reason. And he will always be my reason. If it were as easy as ending it so we could both be in the same form again, I would do it in a heartbeat. Nothing keeps me here. But I know, again cannot explain how, but I know I have to live and not just live for the days to pass, I need to live, fulfill God’s plan and then we can be in the same form again.

I know he is happy, the connection tells me that. I know he is sitting next to me as I type this. Life won, it broke me. This was the final blow. I walk along a thin line now, between falling into despair and going completely dark or rising up with every weapon in my hand and fighting life so that at the end of it I go to the ones I want to be with.

I choose to fight. And who ever is reading this, fight.

Benji and I cannot be apart. We are synced. For now our forms are different, that puppy is stuck to me and I’m stuck to him. I will live for him because if I am ok he is ok and if he is ok I am ok.

Benji, don’t worry at all, I’m here and I know you are here too little one. Play and come whenever you feel like ok, don’t worry, just have fun and rest. My connection with you tells me you feel light and enjoy going here and there. I am always and forever there with you, you are my soul.

For now, we live with each other in these forms ok, never doubt that we are right next to each other forever and always.