Getting Off The Battlefield

Since starting to write again, I feel like I’ve opened the emotional floodgates. For a long time I just stopped processing things that happened. I turned to Instagram and TV shows to ignore the emotions.

But now since ‘the post a week resolution’, some days are too much to handle. But I have to do this to get it out of my system. Otherwise, it’ll never leave me alone. I know in actual fact it will never leave me, but instead of being a heavy weight on my heart and mind, it’ll be light as feathers that I’ll be able to carry with me for the rest of my life.

Recently I have decided to get off the battlefield of life. I don’t want to keep trying to overcome stuff or trying to be ok. I’ve left the fight zone and I am going to set up my life in a place deep inside the wilderness.

I’m exhausted giving a fuck about everything that happens in life. I’m out, no more for me. I’m going to just let things happen, try to accept the reality of situations and stop hoping for things to get better.

Life is what it is. I’m going to stop expecting stuff or look up to people. I’m going to try to be the person who I would like to look up to. That’s the only thing within my control. I don’t have the energy to be disappointed.

I don’t have the energy to feel pain anymore. Something happened with my car and the pain I feel is so unbearable that I know my mind has just locked it up and not let it reach my soul. It’s just too painful.

I can’t open that box, it’s even more painful than the Audi incident. I can only feel an aura of that pain. And it’s so bad. Every time that place is spoken about I can feel that box being pried open. Mentally and physically I cannot deal with that pain.

So, this is one of the battles that I leave on the field. I’ve thrown the sword aside and walked away.

This is me winning this battle.